


In a Name

by ontherings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Canonical Character Death, Coda, Confessions, M/M, i did not fix it but i sure did improve it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ontherings/pseuds/ontherings
Summary: In a way, addressing Castiel by his full name was itself a prayer, an admittance, a vulnerability.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 12





	In a Name

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact i havent seen a single scene from the past three seasons except this one (of course) as well as the finale. i have no idea what this is! but i wrote it at 3am, and 15 minutes of editing is all ur gonna get!

"When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal to save him," Cas begins.

"You what?"

"The price was my life."

Dean is frozen for a moment. They've been in this position before, all Cas has to do is explain and they can find a way to fix this, like they always have before.

"When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

There's a fist on the door, there's something not right here, Dean doesn't know what to do. What would he do if he lost Cas?

"I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what- what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have." Cas looks at the floor, and then looks up at Dean. "But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being, it's in just saying it."

_"Cas,_ what are you talking about?" Cas moves towards him, just a little closer. He's moving so slowly, so calmly for someone running out of time. More than anything Dean just wants to grab him by the shoulders and scream and yell and shake it out of him.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You- you're 'Daddy's Blunt Instrument.' And you think that hate and anger that's- that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are."

Cas says the words with so much force, Dean feels as if he's being punched, and he can't see the fist before it hits his jaw.

"You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, _loving_ human being I will ever know." He's speaking with so much urgency, like this is the most important thing he'll ever say, the best thing he'll ever do.

"Cas—" but he keeps talking.

"You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me."

"Cas— _Cas,_ come on, please." He's barely registering what's happening, but he's scared. He's so, so scared.

"Listen Dean, _please_. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean."

_"Castiel!"_ Dean's voice broke on his name. In a way, addressing Castiel by his full name was itself a prayer, an admittance, a vulnerability. "Please."

Castiel was standing in front of him. An angel in every sense of the word, Dean has seen him in every role. The soldier, the righteous, the divine, the fallen. But Castiel is so human in this moment. So full of pure love, and adoration like Dean has never seen in anyone, in any species. Dean could never imagine Castiel had the capacity to feel this at all.

They're running out of time. If he could only have a second. One single moment to figure out what to do. How does he stop this? What does he do?

Castiel places his hand over that brand he left so long ago, a sign that Dean was his before it even happened.

"I love you."

"No _, Castiel,_ please!" Because it's a goodbye, Dean knows that now, and he can't even comprehend those three words from that mouth. Not when he's going to lose him. He just needs to listen for one moment, let Dean speak. He can figure this out, he knows he can.

"Goodbye, Dean." One push, and Dean feels like he's shattering when he hits the floor. Castiel is gone.

Dean isn't sure how he is physically held together. Complete and utter loss, tearing through him from the inside out. His face is wet, his eyes are cloudy, he can't move his hands to wipe the tears away.

What does Dean do with the words left on his tongue? What does he do with those words when there's no one left to say them to?

_I love you, I've always loved you._

What does he do with that?


End file.
